


Ed's New Mission

by GoodbyeBlueMonday



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 11:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1816387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodbyeBlueMonday/pseuds/GoodbyeBlueMonday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colonel Mustang has had enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ed's New Mission

Roy Mustang couldn't stop staring at Ed. If this had been another story, it would be because his golden hair was gleaming, bright as the Sun, silky and soft and Roy just  _wanted_ him so much...

But Roy was familiar with these stories, and in fact, nothing could be further from the truth in this case. Oh God, Roy just wanted to strangle anyone who would suggest it. Ed's hair was... silky, and hard to look away from, but not in a good way.

No, it was because Edward Elric desperately needed a shower.

Roy had had to deal with his foul hygiene stinking up his office for far, far too long. And after the teenager came back from a mission in a particularly dusty Eastern backwater, looking like he'd slept in the same braid the whole time, he finally decided he'd had enough.

 _Something_ must be done.

* * *

 

Edward Elric stepped in to Colonel Mustang's office fully expecting another one of their usual rows. But the look of foreboding that he got from Lieutenant Hawkeye as he entered  _this_ time...

Oh shit.

"I'm really in for it this time, aren't I?" he asked Al.

"I don't know, Brother," Al said. "You know him better than I do. But the Lieutenant looked worried."

"To be fair, she worries a lot," Al continued, but Ed was already racing at the door, ready to break it down.

"I'll  _show_ that good-for-nothing Bastard Colonel  _worried!_ " he yelled as he slammed it open. "MUSTANG! What is it this time?"

In fact, the Colonel was surprisingly immaculate when his youngest subordinate made his way into his office.  _The fucker can never show his feelings, can he?_ Ed thought for a moment, before everything changed...

Roy took a sniff...

And suddenly, he was storming at Ed, to pin him against the door.

"I've had about all I can take!" he yelled.

* * *

 

"What is it this time, you bastard?" Ed asked as he squirmed out of Mustang's grip.

"I...I.." Roy said, suddenly at a loss for words.

"You what?" Ed glared at him, mocking. "You're mad I'm late again? Get used to it, Bastard. I have better things to do than write your silly reports."

"No!" Roy responded, and then he got another  _whiff_ and noticed how Ed's hair looked, and dropped him. He couldn't believe he'd let himself touch such a disgusting creature.

"You're sick of me destroying property?"

"You need to take a bath!"

'What?"

"A bath! Have you heard of it, Fullmetal? I wonder, because it seems like you always smell when you come in here! Don't ever think to take care of your appearance? What is the point of having long hair if you're never going to wash it?"

Ed just gaped in amazement. "Huh?" And as he realized what had been said, he laughed.

"What makes you think this is funny?"

"That's the stupidest thing you've ever told me, Colonel!"

Riling up in anger, Mustang pinned him to the door again, before realizing his error and pulling away again. "Regardless, it's an order! If you don't go off to the dormitory showers this instant, I'll have one of my Second Lieutenants personally escort you!"

* * *

 

The entire time, Mustang's team and Al had been eagerly listening in through the door.

"Oh boy," Fuery said, in worry, as Al wondered "Will Brother be all right?"

"It sounds like a lover's quarrel!" Havoc said, looking around to see if anyone was snickering at his joke. No one was.

Least of all Lieutenant Hawkeye, who simply looked at him as though he was insane and snorted. Havoc was clearly more clueless about romance than anyone had expected if he thought that's what it was. Roy Mustang was a rake, but he wasn't a masochist.

No, Hawkeye knew her superior's type, and it  _definitely_ wasn't 15-year-old boys who barely knew how to dress themselves. Not the colonel who was so meticulous he'd had a shower installed in his inner office.

Plus, she had to agree. Maybe it was time that Ed used it.

**Author's Note:**

> I like my fair share of Roy/Ed, but I felt like certain fanfic patterns could use a little ribbing. Especially after a friend came up with an "Ed is gross" headcanon and I had to run with it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
